Welcome aboard TWA Freedom Flight 669. Here at Trash Weasel Airlines, we aim to make this the free-est flight available. We live or die (just kidding, because we can!) by our company’s motto, “Freedom at any Cost.”

Here at Trash Weasel Airlines, we encourage you to wear your masks, but we don’t require you to. You’re free not to wear one. Hell, you’re free to cough on that fella next to you or whoever you want. Fling some saliva drops on that dude who smells free of deodorant and mouthwash. At TWA, we don’t want to be judgmental.

And, of course, we don’t require vaccinations. If you feel you’re safe, we’re free to take your word for it. And we want you to feel safe, in spite of what you’ve heard about our airline. Be one of the smart people. Science is for sheep and sheep don’t fly.

Please, feel free to fasten your safety belts, if you feel like it. If you don’t, you’re free not to. We advise you to do so, of course, but if you feel like flying around as you fly, that’s entirely up to you. We know some like it rough. Again, no judgment.

And of course, as part of our Freedom Flight, we’re free to hire anyone we like. Normally, an airline would hire professional pilots, but we met Doug, and Doug not only has a positive attitude, he has a confident one. After weeks of playing Microsoft Flight Simulator on Xbox, we have a feeling Doug is going to do his takeoff just fine. Landing, though, may be a little more exciting. But here at TWA, we are rugged individualists, like you.

Feel free to use our lavatories as you see fit, whether that’s for sex in the bathroom, or…sex in the bathroom. Sure, other people may have to use it, but they can feel free to wait. Don’t forget to wash your hands, if you feel like it. You are, of course, free not to.

And if that kid in the row behind you kicks your seat the whole flight, wails, and licks your ear, just keep it to yourself. His folks are free to ignore it.

Lastly, if you have any questions, feel free to ask Karen, our lovely flight attendant. Karen says she’s got herd immunity, so you all should be fine. Plus, COVID only kills like one-percent of the population, so you’re all free to have a safe and healthy flight. Hopefully, Karen, who we admit has been coughing a lot, doesn’t cough in your food, but of course, she’s free to do so.

So, turn on your barely functioning Freedom Phones and feel free to take photos–upwind, upskirt, whatever, as Doug here will show us how to do a loop de loop.

Of course, the one thing that isn’t free, are your funeral expenses. Those can be pretty steep. Got insurance? I know we do.

Enjoy the flight, you damn plague rats.