Another day, another beautiful homegrown pothole in New Orleans. But unlike other potholes, this one is special. The Montegut Springs Unnatural Monument has sprung up, on the 1000th block of, where else, Montegut Street. Brought to you by the New Orleans Sinkhole and Water Board, and much admired by the local citizens, the Montegut Springs Unnatural Monument has been declared a local public park attraction.
Says Park Ranger Adam Wilson, “We wanted to do something special for New Orleans, and with the assistance of the Sinkhole and Water Board, we found that this hole was big enough not only to provide an attraction (and only a minor inconvenience for cars to drive around), but might be large enough to sustain wildlife as well. Monument sightings include the Loup Garou de St. Claude, affectionately known as Boo; a somewhat fugly manatee that turned out to be naked local bar enthusiast Calvin “Cul Rouge” Portmanteau who mistook the Monument for his bathtub; a distempered raccoon who had hitched a ride from City Park; Sir David Attenborough, inadequately camouflaged, who hoped to film the courtship display of the lesser inebriated Airbnb dweller (annoyodrunkus transientus).
Montegut Springs Unnatural Monument has a few rules that are uniquely New Orleans. Some basic rules such as no littering and, unfortunately, no swimming are to be expected. However, there are also warnings against cat-nabbing, starting more wars, no nonsense, and public peeing and pooping.
Says one park visitor, Hobo Bob, “I find these strictures stultifying. What do you mean I can’t poop here? This is the perfect spot.” And he’s right. What better place is there to take a crap than next to an authentic, ginormous New Orleans pothole? Tourists have been doing it for years.
For those interested in a tour of Montegut Unnatural Springs, numerous out-of- work tour guides are available, including Cindy Calmen who says, “Yeah, sure, I’ll give you a tour of a pothole park. Just pay me and I’ll give you a tour of anything at all. See the biggest rat in the French Quarter. Missing Mafioso In a swamp? Biggest underpass encampment? Whatever you want. I’m dying here!”
Or you know, the city could just fill the damn thing.
While the pothole and the signs are most definitely real, all people mentioned were fictional. If you were involved in this project, we’d love to hear from you and give you credit. Please contact Michael David Raso.
