Dear Michael,

I’m having toddler troubles. My toddler is acting up really badly. He won’t come out of the bathroom, where he just plays on his smartphone all day. I know it’s a little odd for a toddler to have a smartphone, and he’s not very good at it, but if I beg him to give it to me, he just screams. He regularly has these tantrums when he doesn’t get his way, treating his “toys” as his personal line of defense, screaming, calling people names, throwing things, telling the biggest fibs, and bullying everyone. I used to think he’d outgrow it, but no. Worst of all, I am planning to move, but no matter what, he won’t even leave the house, except to play sports with his friends. Someone else is moving in soon, and he knows that, but he refuses to cooperate. His behavior is getting worse and worse and other people are coddling him. What am I going to do?

Sincerely,

Melanie Stumped (Not my real name)

Dear Melanie,

I’m sorry. Your toddler is clearly spoiled rotten, like an orange that’s overstayed its welcome and has gone fuzzy, stinky, fly-flecked green. Speaking of which, have you tried getting your toddler out by offering him food? Some children are very food motivated and will do just about anything for treats, especially McDonalds. As far as getting him off the phone, wait for him to fall asleep and take it. Tantrums will follow but smash the damn thing if you have to. When it’s time to move, if all else fails, have the Secret Service drag him out on his ass and throw him into the fucking street. If he lies there and kicks and screams, I really don’t care, do you?

Sincerely,

Michael