After declining to make Daniel Radcliff (R-Weasel) Director of National Intelligence, it has fallen to St. John the Baptist Parish’s own Bill E. Goat of LaPlace, Louisiana to be Trump’s next pick as intelligence head.
Radcliff was dropped after Congress and the media accused him of padding his resume. Members questioned if he really had ever held the Sorcerer’s Stone. When Radcliff spoke in front of Congress, he admitted he had held a stone. But not necessarily the stone. “Could have been rolling, could have been kidney…what did I put on my resume?”
Radcliff, a bigly supporter of Donald Trump, had been in line to be in charge of National Intelligence, ever since Trump’s last intelligence director quit suddenly, saying, “Who expected the Manchurian Candidate to be such a dumbass?”
With Radcliff out of the way and Trump desperate for more loyal yes-men in his administration, Bill E. Goat (R-LaPlace) will have the chance to shine. While Goat is a creature of few words, upon being nominated he said, “Bah.” Admittedly, nominating an actual goat is a bold move even for this president.
Responses throughout the country were mixed, to put it mildly. Said Candice in Dubuque, Iowa, “Well, I’m just not sure if America is ready for a goat to be Director of National Intelligence. On the one hand, it’s a goat. On the other hand, we know he will butt heads with the swamp creatures in Washington.”
People in LaPlace were much more excited. Said Rob Wilsonek of Rebel Flag Trucking, “MAGA and KAGA, if this ain’t the best damn choice the President has made yet. Y’all check this shit out.”
When asked by the media about his latest appointment, President Trump was blunt, “No one, and I mean no one can take care of liberal trash like a bigly goat.”
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.