The Raso Report: Rat King Conquers New Orleans


They’ve been waiting for their moment for a long time, and at last, their time has come. According to WWLTV , rats are taking over the French Quarter.

After more than a week of rats being deprived of their normal diet of pretzels, pizza, Hand Grenades and fruit peels, the French Quarter’s rat problem has blown up. As they’ve desperately scavenged for food from gutter to sewer, from dumpster to dive bar, French Quarter rats have met in small groups to discuss possible moves to Metairie or Uptown.

Enter a savior. A 300-pound rat who has sworn to Make New Orleans Great Again. Holding feel- good rallies almost daily in the middle of Bourbon Street, the new Rat King, or King Gary as he prefers to be called, said not to panic, “The plague is real but it’s definitely not in fashion the way it was in its heyday. Humans and their trash will be back to work before you know it.”

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“Humans,” he said, “make the happiest slaves. 24/7, a day off for Christmas, maybe a week at the Cajun Riviera and they’re thrilled to death. Literally, to death—their diets are worse than ours.” Meanwhile, King Gary’s bodyguards threw open the doors to his stockpile of moon pies, crawfish, and edible underwear.

“Trump may not have seen this pandemic coming,” said one source, “but King Gary did. “He’s been hoarding for years down at the port. Just waiting to make his move.” According to another source, Mrs. Frisby, King Gary has known that something terrible was going to happen since November, 2016. “I remember his words that night,” she added, “He said, ‘It’s the fucking apocalypse.’”

King Gary’s poll numbers have risen dramatically in recent days as he’s promised a stimulus package that would include opening swimming pools, conveniently provided by the Water and Sewer Board at every corner. “I love those guys,” he laughed. “Never a dry moment.”

King Gary still has a few detractors, however. “What does he intend to do about the smell?” asked one rat. “Without humans here the place smells like a bar of Irish Spring soap. I want my stench back. It’s just not the Quarter without the smell of stale booze and urine!” “Yeah,” said another, “and rotting ersters, I miss the rotting ersters.”

His highness has also promised that after a city-wide takeover, he will see to it that the Hard Rock Hotel will finally come down, “That’s just a hazard to everyone, rodents included. I can’t imagine the level of incompetence that has allowed that thing to remain standing.”

When asked about the future according to King, Gary, Claudia Riegel, executive director of the New Orleans Mosquito, Termite and Rodent Control Board, said, “All hail King Gary, our new rat overlord. Really, it’s a relief to wave the white flag.”

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