Today is a glorious day for mankind and lab mice everywhere, as Trump announced that his administration has nearly defeated AIDS and child cancer.
“We will achieve new breakthroughs in science and medicine,” the president told a giddy crowd. “I see what they are doing. I see it. They show me. The things we are doing in our country today. There’s never been anything like it. We will be ending the AIDS epidemic shortly in America, and curing childhood cancer very shortly.”
Said one research scientist, Dr. Annette “Mickey” Disney, “He hasn’t seen jack shit. I tried to get into the White House but the minute I mentioned I’m a scientist, I was gone. I’m pretty sure he gets his science info from late-night hair transplant infomercials and “Stormy Does a Mad Scientist.” She pauses. “Now there’s an idea! Somebody get me a meeting with Stormy Daniels. We’re gonna save the planet.”
Despite his claims, the Trump administration has proposed cuts to both cancer research, the EPA, and AIDS research as well. Just one proposed cut for the National Institutes of Health, responsible for much of cancer research amounts to approximately 4.5 billion dollars. Bad for sick kids, but good for mice.
Said one lab mouse, Mrs. Frisby, “Today is a good day to be a mouse. Not only will testing on mice cease, but with the vast financial investment I have in my 409K, I’ll be one rich twitchbitch.”
As far as 409ks go, they were only recently discovered by the Trump Administration as a formal investment plan in the most important place for government announcements, a Trump tweet, saying, “STOCK MARKET AT ALL-TIME HIGH! HOW ARE YOUR 409K’S DOING? 70%, 80%, 90% up? Only 50% up! What are you doing wrong?”
Remarked one scientist, Peter Poindexter, who uses “humanized” mice transplanted with human fetal tissue for AIDS research, “We’re fucked. Without funds and fetal tissue, what am I gonna do with all these mice?” He pauses. “Now there’s an idea! Hey, somebody get me Stormy Daniels and Richard Gere on the phone…”
One conservative activist is celebrating. Pastor Bob of EARS (Evangelicals Against Researching Stuff) sees funding cuts as a good thing. “If AIDS is cured, fine. Sure, it was killing all the right people, but times change, and we’re pretty focused on the end times. Now EVERYBODY dies, but we good guys get Raptured, while the rest of you slobs have to stay here. I don’t care how big your 409Ks are, that’s gonna be a pisser. HA HA.”
It was left to Stephen Miller, Trump’s right-hand man on all things Mengele, to calm expectations. “We’ll still be doing tissue research. There’s no shortage of Democrats, right?”