The Raso Report: “Joe Biden Arrested Outside Area 51; Fails to Do Proper Naruto Run”


The Raso Report: Fake News for Real People

In strange news today, Joseph Biden was arrested outside Area 51 wearing a Naruto Ninja Headband, and a T-shirt that read “Clap Alien Cheeks” with a picture of a black-eyed, green-skinned alien. Asked why he was there, Biden explained that, “The best way to get out the youth vote is to go where the youth are, and fight for the issues they care about.”

One reporter asked what Biden believes the youth care about in this instance. Biden, while being led into a military police vehicle in handcuffs, yelled back simply, “Clap cheeks!”

Responses were mixed to Biden’s arrest. “If Biden is going to open up Area 51, he’s got my vote,” said one Josh Beardman. Another person was less supportive. “It just really reeks of pandering. I bet he stopped watching Naruto when Orochimaru was still alive. Hell, he probably stopped before the filler episodes even finished.”

When Biden’s campaign manager, Greg Schultz, (not to be confused with Charles “Peanuts” Schultz) was asked how this could all go so very wrong, Schultz explained, “Well, he’s really old, and a proper Naruto run requires a certain level of agility, that you don’t usually expect from a 76-year-old man.” 

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While Biden did not explicitly say he would reveal all of Area 51’s secrets, Senator Bernie Sanders has in fact made it clear that he would reveal if aliens are real.

In other news, despite his hideous Tang-colored skin, the jury is still out on whether President Trump is an alien, a bizarre creature from another dimension, or a victim of the modern light bulb.


Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.

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