The Raso Report: “Joe Biden Arrested Outside Area 51; Fails to Do Proper Naruto Run”

The Raso Report: Fake News for Real People

In strange news today, Joseph Biden was arrested outside Area 51 wearing a Naruto Ninja Headband, and a T-shirt that read “Clap Alien Cheeks” with a picture of a black-eyed, green-skinned alien. Asked why he was there, Biden explained that, “The best way to get out the youth vote is to go where the youth are, and fight for the issues they care about.”

One reporter asked what Biden believes the youth care about in this instance. Biden, while being led into a military police vehicle in handcuffs, yelled back simply, “Clap cheeks!”

Responses were mixed to Biden’s arrest. “If Biden is going to open up Area 51, he’s got my vote,” said one Josh Beardman. Another person was less supportive. “It just really reeks of pandering. I bet he stopped watching Naruto when Orochimaru was still alive. Hell, he probably stopped before the filler episodes even finished.”

When Biden’s campaign manager, Greg Schultz, (not to be confused with Charles “Peanuts” Schultz) was asked how this could all go so very wrong, Schultz explained, “Well, he’s really old, and a proper Naruto run requires a certain level of agility, that you don’t usually expect from a 76-year-old man.” 


While Biden did not explicitly say he would reveal all of Area 51’s secrets, Senator Bernie Sanders has in fact made it clear that he would reveal if aliens are real.

In other news, despite his hideous Tang-colored skin, the jury is still out on whether President Trump is an alien, a bizarre creature from another dimension, or a victim of the modern light bulb.

Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.

Help Keep Big Easy Magazine Alive

Hey guys!

We’re so grateful to our friends, our families, our neighbors, and especially our readers for chipping in, sharing, and donating to the cause of local progressive media. Your support has lifted us up so much and will most assuredly not be lost or forgotten.

If you care about local independent progressive media in an era where multi-millionaires such as John Georges are monopolizing our local press, then please donate any amount you can to make our operation a success. We can do this! Do not give up.

What else can you do if you’ve already donated and can’t donate anymore? Share our content on Facebook and tell people about our fundraising operation. Call and email others who may be able to give. We believe in you because you believe in us and together we can ensure Big Easy Magazine becomes a progressive icon for New Orleans and an inspiration for the expansion of progressive media around the world.

Thank you,
Scott Ploof
Big Easy Magazine

Share this Article

Things to Do
Add Some Progress to Your Inbox
Big Easy Magazine sends weekly emails to keep you informed about what’s going on in our community and beyond.
We respect your privacy.