In surprising news today, Donald Trump retweeted that he is loved as the Second Coming of God and the King of Israel. Feeling some clarification of his grandiose beliefs might be necessary, he held an informal press conference. Gazing heavenward, he declared, “I am the Chosen One.” As reporters dived into nearby rose bushes to avoid the bolts of lightning, Trump seemed unruffled. “First,” he declared, “there was Buffy. Slept Around. Nasty, very nasty. Then there was Harry Potter. I call him Little Scarface. And don’t even get me started on Neo. Send him back to his own infested shithole country. Fix that before you tell us what to do in our Matrix.”
As word of Trump’s announcement came out, the reaction was swift. Halloween and Cosplay costume companies were delighted. Said Paul Combino of Movieland Costumers, “I’m thrilled. We went all in one year on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man costume. We’ve had them sitting on the shelf since the 80s, then we had high hopes with that girlie Ghostbusters in 2016, and that didn’t pan out. But now,” he said gleefully, “Trump, the Chosen One, has given us hope. Throw a halo on that fat, white, marshmallow man and you’ve got Trump, The Second Coming!” Not to be outdone, FuDong Costume makers in China issued a statement saying, “Trump is the gift to China that keeps on giving. We have many robes and Jesus masks from Christmas play sales we must only paint orange now. We are very happy.”
But as usual, the lamestream media are asking silly questions: What has Trump been chosen for? Is Trump really the latest King of Israel? Is he truly the Second Coming of God? Some people find it doubtful.
More likely, if he’s been chosen as anything at all, Janet Roberts in Tick Fur, Alabama says, “I knew the antichrist was real, I just never knew he was such a douche.”
Which seems to be the going theme. Despite there not yet being a rapture, nor a uniting of world governments (quite the opposite in fact) Trump, in many circles has recently been compared, not to Jesus, but to Satan’s emissary on Earth.
But with that interpretation, some like Ben Ridges in Not Real, Idaho expressed wonderment. “I figured being God or Jesus or whoever, he would have some basic knowledge of the Bible; maybe able to quote it verbatim. I’m almost sure Trump has never even read the bible. And I’m including the picture book versions there.” He continued, “So yeah, Antichrist. I just had no idea the antichrist would be so gotdamned stupid. We are all fucking doomed.”
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.
