Tuesday evening, in an Orlando stadium filled to…meh…Donald Trump announced that he is seeking the Republican Party’s nomination for 2020. Dressed in a seersucker suit, whip in hand, Trump railed against Robert Mueller, the Democrats, Drunk Joe Biden, and every single person that is not a healthy shade of either white or Jersey Shore Orange. At his side, or rather, at his heels, ran “Little Marco” Rubio, a charming breed of playful puppy known for ass-licking, and a popular choice among tiny-handed vulgarians. The tiny leather muzzle was an inspired fashion choice.
“Keep America Stupid.” Trump declared his slogan proudly, as he cracked his whip at Little Marco for emphasis. “We made America a safer place for those who aren’t, you know, the ‘professor type.’ And we’ll keep making it safer for people like you and me, the ones with the real brains–the Proud Boys, the Fox viewers, the gullible!” Using a line from his 2016 campaign Trump brought it home with “I love the uneducated!”
But all has not been well for the Trump campaign, between flagging poll numbers, even against borderline worthless candidates like Joseph “Touchy Fingers” Biden, and Bernie “Cocaine” Sanders, he also has to deal with the racists who just aren’t all that happy with him, like George Walters, White Knight, Second Class Premiere Dragon of the Happy Fun Time Chapter of the Ku Klux Klan who between making Nazi Salutes at Trump’s rally, is concerned that he’s not sincere enough, “Listen, Israel is building a new illegal settlement, with his literal name on it. Can we really trust the guy to handle the Jews?”
Other attendees, like Claude Disney, an anti-Semite, and claimant as the illegitimate great-grandson of Walt Disney, also has concerns, “I like that he’s a bigot, but he’s a bigot without a real plan. He keeps talking about deporting all the illegal immigrants, but what about the legal ones? My Cuban neighbors are mean.” Raising his hand in the Nazi salute, Disney continued, “And what’s with this ‘good people on both sides’? Blood and Soil! Grits and Fried Pickles! We will not be replaced!”
Other racists, like Fox viewer Jacob Johnson, were even more concerned, “We love the whiteness, but we’d like a psychotic fuhrer that’s a little more presidential.”
Trump finished his speech by declaring, “Russia, if you’re listening, and I know you are, call me, maybe.” Wink, wink.
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.