In a complete misunderstanding, President Donald Trump made a modest proposal to keep minority birth rates down: “The baby is born,” Trump said. “The mother meets with the doctor. They take care of the baby. They wrap the baby beautifully, and then the doctor and the mother determine whether or not they will execute the baby.”
“After they decide to execute the baby, why waste it? The big question is LGBTQ, Liberty, God, Baby, uh something with a T, and Barbecue, as in what flavor BBQ sauce are we gonna cook the baby?”
Trump has been ambivalent in the past, having been pro-life or pro-choice depending on whether he was running for President or not, but now he’s come forward with a definitive “Well, it just depends. I’ve always loved babies. But there’s just too many of them. No one wants too many babies: white babies, Mexican babies, black babies, Mexican babies, did I mention Mexican babies? Just too many babies. Sweet, delicious babies…”
He continued, “So as your President, I’m proposing…no, I am demanding, we eat more babies. And no one can eat babies like your President. Some people say I’m the best baby eater there is.”
Asked for his views on Trump’s modest proposal, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “Fuck,” and immediately returned to his shell. He would not come out for comment no matter how many times he was turned upside down and spun.
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.