America’s Top Christian Still Confused About Basic Christianity

President Donald “Raw Dawg” Trump was on a roll at the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House.

Sounding ever more presidential Donald Trump praised his wife Melania’s “Be Best” eggs in a speech from the White House verandah. “Melania’s eggs are not only the best, but they are also the biggest. For a while there, she and Ivanka were neck and neck, but after a brief hospital visit last year, Melania’s are…stop tugging at my jacket, Melania…what? Easter, right, right…”  

Turning to a more Christian topic, Trump reiterated his love for walls. “Let me be honest. I just love walls. When that baby is built, I am going to grab it like it’s the American flag. I’m the big dog. My scent will be on that border if I have to hump that wall myself.”

During a surprisingly political Easter, Trump only briefly touched on Jesus, who he said was, “A very fine person. Jesus – he wouldn’t have impeached me. People don’t know this but he was a carpenter. He’d be at the border, building the wall. Nothing says carpentry like a big wall.”

Stepping down from the verandah, Trump shared a charming moment coloring with some of the younger children. He called on Sarah “I Hate Huckabees” Sanders only once, ordering her to issue a statement to the press regarding an incident with the Conway children.

Sanders gleefully took up her position in a bush on the east lawn. “When the President took all the crayons, told the children they were fired, and that their father should ‘fuck off,’ he was obviously only joking.”

One reporter managed to catch First Lady “Be Best” Melania Trump before she could make a hurried exit. Asking what on earth her husband was talking about, the First Lady replied, “Easter is a beautiful time of death and resurrection. Kill me, please. Just let me die.”

Altogether, it was the best holiday that the President has hosted yet.

Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette.

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