Like using a drunk monkey with darts thrown at a map of the world to decide your next vacation, the Democratic Party is now running every living (and many dead) people for President of the United States of America. With such a diverse field, the Democrats are slightly hopeful that they can defeat the most unpopular President in modern history, by just a hair.
Taking a closer look at some of the most recent candidates running provides an exciting look into their policies. For instance, take seven-year-old candidate Travis Thibdodeaux of Bunkie, Louisiana: “As President of the Americas, I will…” Pausing, his campaign assistant and mother, Debra Thibodeaux, whispers to him, and he continues, “I will ban all naptimes, and um, make more time for Playdoh.” Despite being under the age of thirty-five, Democrats are excited to have a young candidate with policies at least as varied and complex as Beto O’Rourke.
While many people consider Travis a dark horse longshot, Mitchell “Meth Head” Millhouse of Smalltown, Missouri is already picking up steam, and many are optimistic he could be someone’s running mate. Said Meth Head, “You see, the government is like a lab. Any minute, it could explode. Trust me. With my kind of experience with exploding labs, I’m just the person to handle this crisis.” He added, “Stop staring at me!”
Most popular of all though is the corpse of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who despite being nothing but bones, is still revered in many circles. Said one necromancer, Benowitz Halfrot, “Kennedy’s corpse is someone we can trust more than anyone else running.” Said the undead monster that was/is JFK, “Brains!” People are very optimistic with a brains-focused agenda, and Kennedy might be the candidate the Democrats need.
While there are billions more running, these are some of the top favorites. Hopefully, at least one of these people can manage to defeat Donald Derpton Trump. If all else fails, the dart throwing monkey looks like a more appealing candidate every day.
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.