It seems after years of running with the DSDs (Democratic Socialist Dreidels), a gang that specifically recruits elderly Jews, presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is behind bars. While leaving for the airport after giving a speech in San Francisco, Sanders was apprehended by the San Francisco Police Department on suspicions of drug possession. After the first officer could not find any, a second officer searched Sander’s vehicle and found a bag holding an entire kilogram of cocaine lying in the passenger’s side in plain sight.

While Senator Kamala Harris has denied any involvement, ever since she started her run as a “progressive Prosecutor” for President, she has mentioned Bernie Sanders’ gangbanging, saying, “Listen, I’m not saying Bernie Sanders is a drug kingpin, but when you hear someone constantly talking about “Medicare for All” it makes you wonder what that “all” includes. I bet if someone was brave enough to take a closer look, they’d find something.”

Hours later, the SFPD did.

Upon entering the jail, with most members of the DSD having died, Sanders apparently immediately began trying to join various new gangs. While most 1% motorcycle gangs declined to accept him during their latest membership drive and bake sale, the Bloods have been taking a serious interest, especially since adding him would add a great deal of diversity to their organization. Said one Omar McKenzie, “We’ve really been wanting to attract more elderly white Jews, and I really feel like Cocaine Sanders could be our ticket.”

While it can’t be confirmed if he has chosen a gang yet, Bernie is already in the process of adding new tattoos to his sleeve to reflect his possible new membership. When asked for an interview about his circumstances, he made a gang sign and said, “thug life” before leaving the room.   

Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Be sure to check out the rest his recurring series, “Sex in the Big Easy” here.