After years of rolling over for conservative presidents and corporate interests, new party members such as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Independents such as Bernie Sanders, have discovered the power of helping the older members of the Democratic Party acquire balls
Testicular millionaire Greg Miller, the creator of Neuticles, aka fake balls for everything from dogs to elephants, realized that perhaps he could expand his business by providing balls to Congress. “After years of cowardice and mediocrity, I realized that no animal was in bigger need of balls than the jackasses of the Democratic Party.”
Following the success of the testicular installations which have led to Democratic leaders proposing “Medicare for All” and some candidates no longer taking corporate donations, some Republicans have taken note, especially those having trouble standing up to Donald Trump.
One of many Republicans who didn’t have the balls needed to identify himself said that, “We’re seriously looking into it. It’s far too late for people like Paul Ryan, but we think Neuticles could
help people like Jim “Gym” Jordan, and Lindsey “I love me some Trump” Graham who accidentally left his balls in Senator John McCain’s casket.
Donald Trump, whose balls have occasionally resided in Nancy Pelosi’s purse, issued a statement with his usual braggadocio stating that despite having no plans to get a dog, he might
reconsider acquiring one, “if there is no one left in Congress to be my bitch.”
Warning: All stories mentioned here originated in an unknown alternate universe and should not be taken as fact.
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.
