Despite logging out and logging back in, then refreshing their pages, Facebook users on Wednesday found that Facebook still would not load. Many people attempted to reach out to Facebook, but since no one in the world has an actual phone number, their hope was to send a message through WhatsApp, which, like many people his age, Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t actually use.
After banging on his gate, jumping a fence, and being chewed halfway to death by five Rottweilers, journalist Tammy Thibodeaux managed to find Mr. Zuckerberg. Asked about the outage that was causing so much stress, Zuckerberg gestured to a single fake tear in his eye and said, “Boohoo.” He then stripped naked and dived into an Olympic-sized swimming pool of money.
Facebook addicts, on the other hand, were not so flippant. “Listen, I do two things,” said Jim Derpton at the French Quarter CCs coffee, “Facebook memes, and masturbate.” While looking around the busy coffee shop filled with customers of all ages, he shouted, “And one of those is going to happen here in the next five minutes!”
As a police officer rode his horse into the coffee shop and proceeded to stomp him before dragging him away, Derpton yelled, “I’m coming for you, Zuckerberg! I’m coming for you!”
Derpton wasn’t the only one with his pants down. As various frat boys who normally send dick pics to random female profiles discovered Facebook was down, stress began to creep in. John Broski of Omega Dum said, “We provide an important service to the internet community. Without us, there are so many thirsty women out there who won’t be getting their daily dose of random penis.” He sighed, “Right now, I’m just typing in random numbers and texting them, but that’s not okay. What if I sent some to a guy? That’s totally disrespectful.”
No woman in the entire world could be found to validate Broski’s claim, but one Samantha Watts, upon request for comment, said, “All y’all can fuck off.”
Local elderly man Chuck Fermentor was disgruntled as well. “Today is a sad day for democracy. I won’t get to find out what crimes Hillary Clinton has committed this week, on Patriot Red White & Blue Lives Matter for Christ.” He sighed, “maybe I’ll just go outside, and you know, actually do something.”
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read more of his work here.